Breakthrough.

I’m sure it’s amazing. I’m sure it’s inspiring. I’m sure it’s moving. And I’m sure it’s changing lives and bringing people closer to God and that it’s a great thing.

And in another life I would have seen it, posted on social media about how inspiring it was, and it probably would have strengthened and almost renewed my relationship with God.

But I’m not gonna watch it.

I can’t.

Nope.

Not that I don’t want to be inspired or motivated. Not because it’s not an inspiring true story that I don’t want to support.

But because I’m in a good place right now and I know that I don’t need a set back.

I’m a widow.

I miss my husband.

I wish he was here with my kids every day.

And yet I’ve moved forward in my grief.

I’ve met someone, the kids and I are alive and well again.

I knew just after that first time of seeing this trailer for the movie that I wasn’t gonna ever watch it;

This movie has the power to break my healing broken heart wide open all over again and resurfacing my anger.

My husband, Eric, had a sudden massive ruptured brain aneurysm with irreversible and instant brain damage. Because the football coaches who were with him performed CPR, his body was alive for 3 days in the ICU until we was pronounced deceased on February 15, 2017.

Do you think there was a time when I sat there with my husband laying there unconscious that I didn’t put all of my faith into a miraculous recovery? That I didn’t beg and plead for a miracle? That I didn’t pray for it?

Why were my prayers not answered?

Was they not enough?

Was I not enough?

Did I not pray hard enough?

People will say “God answers prayers.”

But why didn’t He answer mine?

Or a friend on social media will ask for prayers - and then they’ll make a follow-up post with, “God heard our prayers and rewards the faithful.”

Was I not faithful enough?

Eric had a community and family and friends praying for him… why not him? And why is someone else saved by prayer? Why this kid from Breakthrough saved? Because of his mom’s faithfulness and the prayers of the community? Why not mine?

While my children hold their daddy’s big, strong, lifeless hands in theirs; while my 8-year-old puts her head down on Eric’s bedside and falls asleep holding his hand; why not us?